Newbie at 43

Dear Rachel and Claire,
I'm a 43 year old female who has never had sex. I will be having sex soon with a man I am dating. I don't want to tell my partner it's my first time, but I'm concerned about bleeding. If I use a dildo or vibrator before having sex, will that break the hymen so that I won't bleed during my first physical act?

-Newbie @ 43

A:

Dear Newbie:

Congratulations—the first time is exciting! Your hymen may already be torn from masturbation, tampons, yoga or some such, but if you want to be sure, you can take steps to clear the passage. Penetration with a dildo or a vibrator which is about the same size or bigger than the man's penis should do the trick. I highly recommend getting aroused and incorporating this into masturbation, as it may hurt. Also try lube—my fave is Liquid Silk. As for a good choice of toy, I recommend the simple Babeland Silver Bullet. All are easy to find using the search function on our web site—just type a word or two into the search box at the upper left corner of this page, and click the red circle.

Of course many men like being a woman's "first," but if you want to keep your secret safe, that's entirely up to you.

Have Fun!