P-Spot Pleasures

Dear Rachel and Claire,

I had heard that a man can have an orgasm and ejaculation without stimulation of the penis from pegging, so I decided I wanted to try this with my husband. After much discussion, he finally agreed to try it, so I bought a strap-on. Now he seems to like the feeling of being pegged, but so far no orgasm and the only thing coming out is some pre-cum.

I'm using a basic straight dildo around 7 inches long and about an average width of 1 and 1/4 inches. I heard about curved dildos and asked customer service at Babeland about it. They recommended two silicone dildos called Big Boss and G Curve, Since this is all new to me I have several related questions.

1. Is there difficulty inserting a curved dildo?

2. For these dildos should I have my husband in a missionary position or a doggie position?

3. What is the recommended depth of penetration for what I want to do with these dildos? Should I only be penetrating a small distance into his rectum or is it okay to go deep all the way up to my hips meeting his? In other words short shallow thrusts or long, deep thrusts?

4. Should I be thrusting straight in or do I need to somehow angle the thrusts with these curved dildos?

5. Should I be thrusting slow or really fast or just what tempo should I use with these dildos to make him come?

6. I have heard that silicone dildos can be warmed up before insertion. Is that true? Would that heat help with relaxing the anal area for penetration? What is the best way to warm up one of these silicone dildos?

Sorry for so many questions, but like I say being kind of new at this I am trying to figure out the best way to give him an orgasm and ejaculation with pegging.

Thank you so much for your help. 

A:

Thank you for contacting us!

It’s wonderful that you and your husband are exploring new ways to find pleasure. Lots of men find pleasure from anal stimulation, and for many this may lead to orgasm and possibly even ejaculation (which are not the same thing) but orgasm is not a given right off the bat and may take time to become familiar with. 

Now as mentioned, since orgasm and ejaculation are not the same thing, it may be confusing or difficult for some to know if they are reaching an orgasm without the typical sensations associated with it. For example, it’s quite common for men to lose their erections during anal stimulation. This is because the wonderful blood flow caused by arousal will go to the area currently stimulated and less so into the penis. This doesn’t mean that he is not enjoying the stimulation, but can be confusing for folks that typically associate an erection as the sign of pleasure. With that being said, many men find that they can still orgasm and even ejaculate with a flaccid penis. 

For most people (regardless of gender), orgasms are typically more accessible from external stimulation of the phallus (the clitoris, or head of the penis) than solely receiving intercourse. Combining external stimulation with internal is a great technique for folks looking to learn how to orgasm from being penetrated. This is what sexologist refer to as “a blended orgasm.” Another great tip is to use what is successful from masturbation and incorporate that into partner play. Has your husband spent any time masturbating anally? Perhaps if he tries using the dildos alone during masturbation it will give him a great understanding of what he enjoys and what helps him to orgasm. As the expert of his own body, he can then provide you with the best information for using together. 

You mentioned that he produces pre-cum from pegging. Lots of men find that during direct prostate massage (sometimes referred to as ‘prostate milking’) it will cause them to secrete pre-cum. This is a good indicator that you are in fact stimulating the prostate. With that said, that doesn’t mean that your husband might not enjoy going deeper, or even less deep. Curved toys are an excellent choice as the prostate is at a slight angle. If using your fingers while your partner is on their back you should be able to feel the prostate about 2-3 inches inside the rectum and pressing up like you are beckoning someone to come hither. If he is on his belly you would curve and press down. An easy way to remember this is that once inserted, the curve should go in the direction towards their genitals. The Big Boss is a great suggestion if your husband enjoys the girth. 

If you’re both looking to warm up your toys first, a good method is to simply place them in warm water or a warm towel first so that they will be less chilly. Be sure to test the toy out on the inside of your arm just as one might test a baby bottle to ensure that it’s not too hot before using.

The real surefire tools needed for successful pleasurable anal play is Relaxation, Lubrication, and Communication. Relaxation is incredibly important since the muscles of the anus are tied to the autonomic nervous system. If someone is not relaxed, their anus will tighten and make insertion and pleasure quite difficult to be reached. Lubrication is essential because the anus does not self-lubricate, and will actually absorb thinner lubes rather quickly so thick gel lubricants are ideal. Communication is key.  Most of the questions you’re asking (all great questions!) actually boil down to personal preference more than technique. I would encourage you to ask him these during the acts to get the best results. After all, no one will know more about depth, speed, and pleasure than the person you’re inside of. 

Here are some books that may help:

Anal Pleasure and Health

The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure

Here are some dildo recommendations:

Amor Dildo

Mistress

Magnum Dildo