Tentative about Toy-ing

Dear Rachel and Claire,
I have been married for almost 12 years and have a question about getting a vibrator for my wife. She has never been into anything kinky. I am a little apprehensive about buying her something that may offend her. Whenever I suggest something out of the norm she thinks I am weird. The reason I am asking is I saw the Men's Health article where the Fukuoku is mentioned. Any idea how to handle this or present her with such a product?

Signed,

Tentative about Toy-ing

A:

Dear Toying,

Many couples in long-term relationships try sex toys as a delightful way to spice up their sex lives. Vibrators in particular add new sensations, enhance people’s sexual response and can bring us to new heights of pleasure. While introducing a vibrator isn’t exactly like suggesting that you zip into rubber suits and splosh around in pudding, there are still women and men who feel uneasy about vibrators.

The prevailing notion that ‘normal’ sex is working with what ‘what I was born with’ makes many people feel inadequate at the idea of incorporating buzzing accoutrement into sex. Vibrators aren’t a substitute for a partner stimulation, but they do provide sensations that are different from those created by a hand, tongue, penis or dildo. You can reassure your partner that vibrators are becoming increasingly mainstream: Recent studies show that about 20% of all women in the U.S. use vibrators and mainstream women’s magazine’s like Glamour and Cosmo regularly feature vibrators and Oprah even mentioned the Hitachi Magic Wand on her show! 

Instead of springing it on her in the heat of sex, find a neutral setting to talk about why you’d like to explore vibrators with her, and about her concerns.  One way to take some of the pressure off is to agree to a trial run or two—You’d like her to be open to trying it, and you can be open to the possibility that she might not like it. Let her know you love her, are attracted to her and want to explore sexual pleasure with her. Reassure her it’s not about making her “perform” more for you, but that sex is important to you and you want be more exploratory with her in a way that’s going to feel good and comfortable for you both.  If you have been lobbying her to try vibrators for awhile there may be some charge and pressure built up around the experience, if that’s the case for you, encourage her to try a solo test drive first.

You might try giving her a vibrator along with a sex information book like Moregasm, a smart and accessible guide to using vibrators, plus female and male sexual anatomy and oodles of quotes from regular people about why and how they use vibrators. This may help to take the “weirdness” out of the idea for her as well as pique her curiosity. Unlike bulkier plug-in toys that look like something you might use to make cake batter, the Fukuoku is so small, it slips on the tip of a finger.  The buzzing sound is more subdued compared to other vibrators, but the vibration is impressively strong making the Fukuoku is an especially good choice for those with sex toy trepidations.

Good luck