Introducing Sex Toys Into a Relationship

Author: by Ross Lambert

Perhaps since you met your current partner, you’ve been considering a three-way with your Hitachi Magic Wand.  Or maybe you’ve met the one with whom you want to share your deepest sexual fantasy—being taken from behind with a strap-on. Of course, we know how much fun they can be, but for the uninitiated, sex toys can sometimes stir up issues of fear, shame,insecurity, or just plain ol’ ignorance. That’s why you should discuss it with your partner before you whip out the Kookie Cuffs and Tweezer Clamps.


Let’s say that you are the proud owner of a six-year-old silicone butt plug that has seen you through your past few romantic entanglements as well as the lean times in between.  You’ve been with your current partner for a while now, long enough to want them to plug you in and turn you on—so to speak.  Here are some ways you can broach the topic of adding your plug to the mix with your sweetie.


Point Blank.
When the time is right (meaning, perhaps when you’re making out, and not when you are having a lunch date with his parents), simply come right out and say it.  “I own a butt plug and thought it would be fun to use it the next time we make love.”  Show it to him.  Put the plug in his hands so he can complete the mental image of working it into your ass while you moan with delight.


Wine and dine her.
Even though alcohol doesn’t make sex better, it can sometimes make talking about sex a little easier. Create a romantic setting in a comfortable place, like your living room, put some sexy music on low volume, and set out some wine and a nice cheese plate or some fruit-- whatever works.  Once the mood sets in, steer the conversation towards sexual fantasies.  Seductively talk about your fantasy involving the butt plug.  Be sure to make her—and not the toy--the star of your scenario.


Seeing is believing.
A picture says a thousand words, so you could choose to let a porn do the talking for you.  Find an adult movie that contains a scene that features your toy of choice.  When the movie is over, ask him what his favorite scene was.  Then say something like, “I loved that scene with the butt plug.  That was hot!”  If he seems game, then ask him a few questions—like “Have you ever used a butt plug before?” and “Would you like to try using a butt plug on me?”If they respond enthusiastically, saying something like, “I love sex toys,” or “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours,” then it’s your lucky day.  Off to the bedroom, you two! However, if they respond, “I don’t know,” “I’m not sure”, you’ll need to keep asking questions. Find out if they’ve had any experience with sex toys, and whether or not those experiences were positive or negative.  Here are some common concerns your partner may express about sex toys:


“Am I not enough?”
- Sometimes people see using sex toys as an act of desperation or sexual frustration, so they interpret your desire as a slam on their prowess. Assure them that you’re after exploration, not satisfaction. Offer to use the toy on them first, or even let them try it out alone. The key is to keep both their confidence and comfort level high.


"Uh, that sounds too kinky for me.”
For someone with no personal experience from which to draw, their perception of sex toys may come only from what they’ve seen in movies, where the typical sex toy user is either the butt of a joke or a sadistic killer.The good news is that there are now plenty of daytime talk shows and popular magazines that not only discuss but also endorse the use of sex toys. Use these resources, as well as any number of sex-positive web sites (like ours, for example) to dispel whatever myths and misconceptions they’re holding on to.


“I once had a bad experience.”
If the toy in question stirs up issues of sexual abuse or other emotional trauma, then their need for comfort, trust, and understanding supersede your need for adventure. Perhaps the two of you can find a compromise that you both can enjoy, but don’t push the issue. If they say “no”, respect their feelings and let it go.


If your partner is a woman, chances are she’ll be more receptive to using sex toys than if were a man.Studies show that nearly half of all American women own a vibrator, yet similar surveys of men have difficult to draw conclusive results because men are reluctant to discuss the issue. Most likely, this is the product of the ingrained notion that men should be able to satisfy women using only their penises. Plus, our homophobic culture teaches that anal sex is synonymous with homosexuality, so many men are wired to automatically reject things like strap-on sex or prostate stimulation.


Big surprise that the best selling sex toy for men is the cock ring. A harder, thicker cock—what guy wouldn’t want to have that? (A quick tour of the spam filling up your Inbox should answer that!)So, if you want to explore sex toys with a hesitant beau, why not start with a cock ring?  Odds are he’ll like the looks of cock when it’s super-engorged. From there, you can graduate to something that vibrates as well, like the Sonic Ring, before moving on to the Hitachi Magic Wand, and so on.


Of course, once you and your partner have decided to give sex toys a spin, going shopping together for your first one can make for a fun and sexy date night. Peruse the shelves of your favorite local sex shop and show each other the toys that arouse your interest. Find the one you like, and then ask your partner to imagine him or her using it on you. Just don’t forget to pay for it before you race home to try it out!


Some things to remember:

  • If you’re using a sex toy that you’ve shared with previous partners, take care to disinfect it or cover it with a condom.  
  • Check in with your partner.  Make sure they’re enjoying themselves and are in their comfort zone.
  • Have fun.  After all, that’s why they’re called “toys”!