Guest Review: Boditalk Escort

by Lux Alptraum, formerly Lux Nightmare, of Fleshbot.com

OhMiBod may have a name that's a clever(ish) play on one of the world's most instantly recognizable brands, and their most famous products may be iPod-compatible vibrators, but that shouldn't lead you to think that they're a one trick sex toy company. In addition to their Apple-centric vibes, they also make vibrators that work with any cell phone, one of which managed to land in my lap last week.

The Boditalk Escort is a small pink bullet vibe. But, unlike other bullet vibes, this one has the ability to vibe in sync with your cell phone (or iPhone). But will its call make you come? Or will it make you want to send it straight to voicemail? And how exactly does the darn thing work? Like any good Apple-compatible product, the Boditalk Escort is pretty much plug and play. There's no need to sync it to your cell or use any Bluetooth voodoo to get this vibe working — just put in some batteries, slide it into "C" mode, and wait for someone to call (or just dial up your voicemail, that works too!). As long as there's an in use cell phone within three meters of the toy, it happily buzzes away. Apparently this has something to do with radio waves—but as long as you're getting off, who cares about the technical stuff?

If you're short on minutes, you'll be glad to know that the Boditalk Escort isn't just a cell phone vibrator—it's a regular vibrator too. So if you're tired of waiting for the call that won't (make you) come, you can put the vibe into "P" mode and control the vibrations yourself.Given my past experience with bullet vibes, I wasn't expecting much out of the Boditalk Escort. But as it happened, I was pleasantly surprised. Unlike many of its bullet-shaped cousins, the Boditalk Escort isn't just a simple one-speed vibe. It has seven different pulse patterns (one for each day of the week?), with enough range to satisfy many different temperaments.

But at the end of the day, is the Boditalk Escort anything more than a gimmick—or, at best, a party trick? Is there ever really a time when one needs a vibrator that just works when a cell is in use? Why, of course there is, and naturally, your intrepid Test Kitcheneers have assembled a list of times when the Boditalk Escort is oh so useful:

For phone sex. This one is so obvious, we're not even going to explain it.

For D/S phone sex. Yes, the Boditalk Escort is good for phone sex, but it's even better for phone sex that involves orgasm control (and orgasm denial). Imagine being on the phone with your partner, on the edge of orgasm... only to have them hang up and leave you hanging. (Granted, that probably only appeals to a specific audience, but if it's your cup of tea, it's kinda hot.)

For surprise orgasms. The Boditalk Escort is discreet enough that — if you're dressed appropriately — you should be able to wear it while walking around. So here's what we recommend: slide it in your hooha, and go for a walk outside. As random passersby pick up their phones, you'll get a little thrill. Works best in Manhattan and San Francisco.

• OhMiBod Vibrator
• Bullet Vibrators
• Naughtinano Vibrator