How to Talk to Your Kids About Sex

by Alicia Guinn

Does the thought of teaching your kid about the birds and the bees make you quake in your boots? In survey after survey, the great majority of American parents claim it's their responsibility to educate their kids about sex and sexuality. They also admit that they never get around to the job.

Comprehensive sex ed gives kids the power to make healthy, happy choices for themselves as adults. Because kids are unlikely to get honest, sex-positive information from any other source, we've gathered our favorite tips for helping you talk to your kids about sex.

1. Be Prepared. This is the most important step! And it's the one that most of us skip. Despite our best intentions to teach our kids about sex, it's easy to procrastinate, and when we stumble upon our kid playing doctor with the neighbors or masturbating, we often rely on our instincts or what our parents taught us. The key is to think ahead. As one sex educator says, "You have to act from the assumption that some day your kids are doing to do or say something about sexuality that is going to flip you out. It's inevitable."

2. 

   Think Ahead. Check out some parenting books about sexuality like Everything You Never Wanted Your Kids to Know About Sex, which is an excellent, sex-positive and queer-friendly guide to raising kids. Sit down and think about your sexual values. How did you learn about sex? Do you want your kid's experience to be the same or different? What do you think kids should know about sex? What should adults know about sex? Where should they learn this information? What are your own attitudes toward sex? If you're raising kids with a partner, talk together about your sexual values, and come to a consensus about the way you'd like to educate your kids.

3. Talk About Sex. Period. Talking about sex is difficult in a culture that provides us with few, if any, role models. If you have difficulty talking to friends and partners about sex, talking to your kids is likely to be even more difficult. Practice talking about sex with your partner or friends. It makes a revolutionary difference in both your day-to-day and your sex life to have a community of friends and other parents in which it's perfectly normal to talk about sex. Start to find vocabulary that seems right to you to use. Brainstorm words and phrases to help you explain sexual issues to your kids. For example, a definition like "Sex is adults touching for bodily pleasure" might seems more appropriate than more traditional ways of defining sex.

4.  Rethink "The Big Talk."Sexuality is such an important part of our lives, one "big talk" isn't going to do the job. Instead of envisioning sex ed as a lecture or set of lectures you give to your kids, think of it as a lifelong learning relationship. You are a mentor who can give them answers to important questions or help them find answers on their own. Take advantage of "teachable moments" throughout your child's life—your friends or family who have a different sexual orientation than your own, plots that involve sex in television and movies, pictures of birth, a pregnant friend, a preschooler's precocious question. Also, it's important to repeat lessons over and over. We don't expect kids to learn how to safely cross the street by giving them one big lecture. Chances are that they'll need more than one talk about sex.

5.  Expand Your Idea of Sex Ed. Most sex ed curricula sticks to the mechanics of reproduction. And if you're lucky, you might learn something about disease transmission, safer sex, and birth control. There are good reasons to teach kids more than those basic themes. American teenagers have the highest rates of STDs in the industrial world because they've been taught that "sex" is vaginal intercourse. Most of them do not know that oral and anal sex also carry potential dangers of disease transmission. In our culture, we narrowly define "sex," but some of the most important lessons that kids learn about sexuality have nothing to do with intercourse or "the sperm and the egg." When we teach kids social skills—including how to be a good friend—we give them tools for navigating successful adult relationships. Everyday lessons about privacy, respecting personal boundaries, and consent are all crucial to building a happy, healthy sex life in the future.

6.  Avoid Adult Think. Kids are literal thinkers, but the traditions of sex ed in our culture are anything but literal. Lots of us grew up hearing about the birds and the bees. Or we heard Mr. Rogers sing a song about how "Boys are special on the outside. Girls are special on the inside," and we had no idea what it meant. Most likely, our parents thought we were getting good, friendly information about the human body. On the other hand, some parents worry that kids might learn "too much" too early in their lives and that this knowledge might somehow harm them psychologically. It's important to know that no scientific study has found that kids are harmed by honest sex education. In fact, studies show that kids who get solid, comprehensive sex education consistently make better choices for themselves as teens and adults, and they consequently have a much lower level of STDs and unintended pregnancy.

7. 

    Be Honest. While it's important to be honest about the information you give your kids, it's even more important to be honest about how you feel talking to your kid. If you're happy that your kids come to you with questions, let them know. On the other hand, if you feel apprehensive talking to your kids about sex, it's a good thing to acknowledge that out loud. Try out these sentences: "I'm kind of embarrassed to talk about sex, but I'm really glad you asked that question" or "I'm afraid that if I tell you this, you'll...." You don't have to be the authority about sex in your kid's life. If you don't know the answer to a question, or feel very uncomfortable answering one, turn to a helpful reference book like Our Bodies, Ourselves or The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex.

8. 
   

    Be Sex Positive. Most of us learn the bare basics of reproduction in sex ed classes along with the following two lessons: "Don't have sex. You'll get a disease and it'll ruin your life" and "Don't have sex. You'll get pregnant and it'll ruin your life." While we live in a society that floods public spaces with sexy images to fuel consumerism, there is often no force in our lives to tell us that sex is a good, happy, healthy part of growing up. For many adults, sex is one of the most rewarding and pleasurable aspects of their lives, and yet we don't give that message to our kids. Find ways to incorporate sex-positive values in your conversations with kids. This might include teaching both girls and boys about menstruation, talking about masturbation, being open and accepting of people with different sexual orientations in your own life, defining words like "orgasm" and "erection," and telling girls where their clitorises are and how they work.

9. Share Your Values. Make sure to talk to your babysitter, nanny, or other child care provider about your sexual values. If you share child care duties with friends, neighbors, or family members who also have kids, tell them what words you use for body parts, and make an action plan with them for tackling any sexual issues that might come up.

10. It's Never Too Early. Whether you have a 5-month-old or a 15-year-old, it's never too late or too early to talk about sexual issues. Ideally, you should talk to your kids as soon as possible about bodies and sex. The method of sex ed we've chosen as a society puts off teaching crucial information about sexuality to younger kids who are unashamed of their bodies and waits until the pre-teen or teenage years. Sadly this is the exact time of life in which most kids are uncomfortable with their bodies and don't want to have anything to do with adults.

11. It's Never Too Late. If you've put off talking about sex until the teenage years, your job is definitely more difficult, but you shouldn't write off your responsibility altogether. It's never too late to say to your kid, "You know, I feel really bad that we've never talked about sex. I've been too embarrassed to bring it up before.

Also Recommended

• Sexy Mamas: Keeping Your Sex Life Alive While Raising Kids
• Deal With It!
• Our Bodies, Ourselves
• If I Taught Sex Ed to Teens