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Mutual Masturbation: A Guide

By: Lisa Finn

What is mutual masturbation? A guide to exploring mutual masturbation with your partner.

What is mutual masturbation?

Mutual masturbation is a phrase that actually applies in two ways: masturbating with your partner (both of you are masturbating and watching each other do it), or masturbating each other simultaneously (doing hand stuff or using toys on one another at the same time) - with the first definition being the more popular use, and the one that we’ll be focusing on in this post.

> If you want to learn more about using hands or toys on a partner, peep our other blogs on Exploring Clitoral Stimulation and Handjob Tips.

How can mutual masturbation benefit couples?

Mutual masturbation is an incredible tool because of how versatile it is. You can do it IRL, over video chat, even over the phone if you’re someone who likes using your words for some aural eroticism. It’s really however you want to show and be shown how you and your partner get yourselves off. Hot.

It can also be an incredible way to explore something new, or to provide an alternate route to mutual pleasure if there might be a reason that sex with full physical contact or penetrative sex isn’t on the table - maybe it’s location or distance, maybe someone isn’t feeling physically or mentally up to having contact during sex but still wants to participate in a shared erotic and sexual experience. 

What is mutual masturbation? A guide to exploring mutual masturbation with your partner.Increase intimacy

To many, masturbation is a private practice - something that we do when we are alone, behind closed doors. Showing your partner how you indulge in solo play can be really vulnerable, but ultimately can create and increase intimacy through that trust that comes with that vulnerable state - with not only exposing that part of ourselves, but welcoming our partners to share in that experience.

BTW - there have been a variety of studies (like this one from a scholar at Duke) that show that maintaining eye contact can increase intimacy, so lock eyes while you play to really take it to the next level.

Explore voyeurism and exhibitionism

Another reason why mutual masturbation is so popular is because it plays into two common fetishes / kinks: voyeurism and exhibitionism. Voyeurism is the act of consensually observing others, usually in a sexual or erotic context, for the purposes of arousal and pleasure - aka wanting to watch. Exhibitionism is the act of wanting to be consensually observed, also in that sexual and erotic context - aka wanting to be watched. 

Sometimes there’s fantasy and roleplay involved - being “caught” or “exposed”, a sort of “peeping tom” scenario - but it can also just be as simple as being turned on by the visual of seeing someone get themselves off, or the thrill of having someone watch you as you touch yourself.

Learn from one another

Beyond just being hot, mutual masturbation is an incredible guide to your partner’s pleasure. You’re getting a behind the scenes peek at a step-by-step tutorial on how they like to be touched, the techniques, moves, and pace that get them where they want to be and all the ways that they love to unlock their orgasm. Don’t be shy to throw some checking in by way of dirty talk as you watch - ask questions like “do you think about me doing this to you?”, “do you want me to touch you like that?”, or even “show me how you’d want me to be touching you right now.”

What is mutual masturbation? A guide to exploring mutual masturbation with your partner.How to practice mutual masturbation

Even if there’s no physical contact between you and your partner during your mutual masturbation sesh, this should be approached in the same way that any sexual encounter should - meaning that consent and communication stay at the forefront, foreplay is still enjoyed, and exploration is welcomed (if not prioritized!)

Start slowly

Foreplay isn’t only for partnered play, and can be just as essential when we’re taking care of ourselves - with or without an audience. Take time to tease yourself and your partner by touching erogenous zones across the body, giving your body the time to ramp up arousal for a more intense experience, and giving your partner the time to really build that anticipation for what’s coming next (hopefully you both!)

If you want to get showy with it, turn the affair into a performance - start off with a sexy little strip-tease or even a lap dance - whether or not they’re allowed to touch while you show off is up to you.

Use your words

If you’re into it, pairing dirty talk into your mutual masturbation can elevate the mood and deepen the connection between you and your partner. Use praise to tell your partner how hot they look, how well they’re touching themselves, how turned on they’re making you. Describe what you’re feeling when you touch yourself - how wet / hard / sensitive you are, exactly what your hands / fingers / toys are doing, what you’re fantasizing about, when you’re about to come.

You can also add in some power dynamics to your mutual masturbation scene and take control by telling your partner how to touch themselves, letting them know when they’re “allowed” to come (aka edging, more about that here), or by yielding that control and giving your partner the director’s seat.

Also, even if you’re not touching one another, consent, checking in, and safewords should still be in play. Don’t ever forgo communication, no matter how you’re connecting with your partner - physically or otherwise.

What is mutual masturbation? A guide to exploring mutual masturbation with your partner.Find new positions

If you’re planning on getting in some physical contact during your mutual masturbation play, use it as a way to try out some new positions! Using our own arms and hands makes it easier to explore new ways to place our bodies without having to worry about adjusting completely to the shape of our partner’s body - you can stand, sit, kneel, get creative!

Try straddling your partner to give them a POV-style perspective, hovering over their waist while you play, or get up close and personal and move closer to their eyeline. The classic 69 position can be great for this as well, if you both really want a front-row seat to the show, or if you want to get in on the action of touching your partner yourself.

You can also lay side-by-side for a more classic approach, and even try incorporating blindfolds into the mix, letting the sensation of the movement of the mattress underneath you both, the sounds of your bodies as you play (and the moans you make) tell the story to really lean into fantasy play, or you can verbalize what’s going on through dirty talk even when you’re right there for a hot and mysterious (and maybe even high sexual tension) dynamic.

Break out the toys

Toys are incredible tools for solo masturbation, so why not bust them out for masturbating with a partner? With all of the new high-tech features that sex toys offer, like interactive toys that sync to one another, app-control and remote control for letting your partner get in on steering your stimulation, and hands-free toys that allow you to keep those fingers free for additional touch, adding in a tool to your mutual masturbation can be a game changer.

What is mutual masturbation? A guide to exploring mutual masturbation with your partner.Toys for mutual masturbation

Interactive toys

Vibes and strokers like the FeelConnect line from Kiiroo can actually transmit the sensations that you feel through a toy to another in real time - like using an interactive stroker and having the sensations mimicked via a G-spot vibe for shared stimulation. 

App-controlled and remote controlled toys

Hand over the remote and let your partner get in on the action by controlling the sensations that you feel through your toy. Remote control toys are great for an IRL sesh, while app-controlled vibes can be used at any distance - perfect for LDRs and spicy video chats when you can’t be face-to-face.

Use mutual masturbation to introduce toys into a relationship

Beyond bringing sensation to the mix, mutual masturbation can act as an ice breaker for introducing toys to a partnership. You can show your partner how you want to explore a toy together by letting them see you use it on yourself, which can take some of the pressure off if they may not know how to use it or if they are simply unsure about using it in their own hands. Have it be a live demo to help facilitate a conversation and see if it’s something that you can include in other types of play down the line.

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