Preparing for Your First Sex Party
Introducing new experiences into your sex life can often come with feelings of nervousness, anxiety, and the growing pains of putting yourself out of your comfort zone - but it usually also comes with so much excitement.
This quick guide will help to ensure that your first foray into play parties is as safe, sexy, and satisfying as possible, while giving you some new sex party ideas to explore along the way…
What Is a Sex Party, Exactly?
You may have heard the term sex party and pictured an orgy with strangers in a dark dungeon at 3 am. While this vision certainly does exist, it is just one facet of the beautiful world of erotic events.
Also known as a play party, a lifestyle party, or an erotic party, a sex party is any gathering of people interested in exploring their sexualities. These range in setting and size, from intimate meetups hosted in private residences and licensed clubs, to holidays with hundreds of sex-positive participants at swinger resorts and on adult-only cruises.
While the majority of sex parties involve some sexual activity, people attend them for a variety of different reasons: to discover new kinks, to meet people with shared interests, to become more comfortable in their barely-clothed bodies, and to learn more about their desires in an open-minded environment. Regardless of your motivation for attending a sex-positive event, there should never be any pressure to physically participate.
How to Find Sex Parties and Choose the Right One
So you’ve decided you might be interested in going to a sex party - now what?
A great place to start is by searching for sex clubs or sex-positive groups in your area. Most major cities will have at least one well-known venue, and you can often find reviews online through their official website, Reddit threads, and sex-positive social media platforms like Fetlife. Of course, everyone’s experience will differ, but reading reviews can help ease anxieties and assess whether an event feels like a good fit.
The sex-positive scene is extremely inclusive, and there really is an event for everyone. For example, many venues will offer swingers parties specifically for beginner swingers - knowing that you’re not the only first-timer can help ease nerves and create a buzz of excitement at sharing this new experience. There are also a plethora of events catered to specific kinks and fetishes: BDSM play parties, leather parties, cuck-fests - the list really is endless.
Of course, being new to a kink or fetish doesn't mean that these nights aren't for you - it just means you should administer a mental check-in before attending to figure out if it’s something you could be into. If you’re currently considering exploring BDSM, I recommend reading this guide to introduce you to the basics and ensure you’re staying safe.
Vetting, Rules, and Safety
Play parties and play spaces aren’t like your average club where you can just walk right in and start enjoying yourself. Many use a process called “vetting,” where you need to be approved to attend an event or join the hosting group before you can participate. Vetting might involve an application or interview, a referral from an existing member, and/or a background check. This helps ensure safety for everyone and makes sure you’re a good fit for the space.
Some parties or groups also require you to attend an orientation or welcome event to get introduced to the space, review the rules, and go over the party’s consent practices before you can play. Every play space is a little different - some have restrictions on what types of play are allowed, some are geared toward specific demographics to create safe spaces for those groups, and some use particular consent or communication systems. The orientation process helps newcomers get familiar with everything before the rush and excitement of the actual event kicks off, giving you a chance to get acquainted with the space and vibe so you can feel more at ease before diving in.
Finding the Right Play Party for You
When choosing any erotic event, it’s important to consider the target demographic. If you’re single, wanting to connect with couples, you might look for a ‘unicorn’ night; if you’re planning on attending with a partner, you might look for a couples night; if you’re flying solo and interested in some one-on-one action, then a singles night could be where it’s at. Although the scene is generally a very queer and gender-inclusive space, you may also want to find events that specifically align with your sexuality and gender expression, like Sapphic nights, queer events, or parties designed to be safe spaces for trans or non-binary folks.
Ultimately, all this preparation is to ensure that you end up in an environment that remains somewhat comfortable for you, even while pushing you out of your comfort zone.
What to Expect at Your First Sex Party
It's easy to get caught up in the thrill of attending your first swinger party or kinky event, but in order to have a safe and enjoyable experience, it’s important that you clearly define your boundaries in advance.
One easy way to do this is to prepare a Yes/No/Maybe list: what experiences am I actively seeking out? What kinks or fetishes are intriguing to me? How will I know if something feels like too much, and what will I do in response to those feelings? If you have a partner, it’s also important to bring them into the conversation so that you can play without crossing any boundaries. A sex party isn’t always a group sex party - whether you’re looking to explore voyeurism, exhibitionism, or full-fledged gangbangs, make sure your expectations are clearly aligned.
Though it might sound obvious, you should also prepare to see a whole lot of nudity. While our society has become unaccustomed to naked bodies, one of the most transformative elements of play parties is their ability to remind us that all bodies are beautiful. So, while of course, you can look at other partygoers, remember not to stare, or behave in any way that could make them feel self-conscious. Overall, play party etiquette is very intuitive - practice good hygiene, always be respectful, and leave your judgment at the door. If you want to play with someone, a good rule is to only ask once. If they say no the first time, then you should assume it’s a no all night.
Finally, it’s important to consider your expression of aftercare - do you need a cuddle after playing? Or is it that you need to make sure you’ve made your bed earlier in the day so that you can leave the party for a comfy haven of soft, fresh sheets? It’s always okay to tell play-partners what you need to feel safe and cared for - if they can’t accommodate your basic comfort, then they don’t deserve access to your sexuality.
What to Wear: From Kinky Party Looks to Sex Club Outfits
While some parties with a theme may require a certain vibe of outfit (think: goth night, pet play soirees, or other theme nights), if there’s no dress code explicitly stated on the event info, there’s no set uniform for a sex party. While many people choose to come naked or in a set of lingerie, it largely depends on the setting and the target audience: in a fetish club, you’re more likely to see a leather one-piece or a gimp mask; in a venue with a pool or hot tub, you’re more likely to see people in bikinis, bathing suits, or even just towels. If you’re feeling a little shyer, you might want to opt for a robe, a matching underwear set, or even risqué clubwear that’s easy to slip out of. These are all great options: remember, the aim isn’t to feel exposed, it’s to feel empowered.
If you’re eager to embrace fetish fashion, you might choose to shop from a range of BDSM apparel, including harnesses, nipple pasties, and masks. You can even pack your toys in this BDSM Bear Backpack - not only does it fit the vibe, but it removes any awkward feelings of having to carry your toys around in your hands. After all, you might want to use your hands for other endeavours…
Bonus top tip: I always recommend packing some comfy clothes for your commute - especially if you’re taking public transit. It’s important to stay warm and safe - plus, play parties can be physically and mentally exhausting. There’s no feeling that quite matches travelling home from an intense night at the sex club in your comfiest hoodie and most well-worn sweats.
However you choose to show up, remember to dress for confidence, not for anyone else’s expectations. The whole point of play parties is not to look sexy for other people - it’s to feel sexy for yourself.
What to Bring to a Sex Party
When it comes to packing for a sex party, your bag ought to have the perfect blend of practicality, comfort, and downright filthiness.
Let’s start with Sexual Health 101: while most clubs will provide lube and condoms, it’s always a good idea to bring your own, especially if you have sensitive skin or a latex allergy. I always recommend bringing a natural, pH-balanced lube from brands like Good Clean Love or Dame so that intimate irritation is one less thing to worry about.
You should also never be afraid to BYOT (bring your own toys, of course). As with any new sexual experience, it’s natural to experience some anxiety when visiting a sex club - will I like it? Will it work for me? Will I be able to orgasm? Bringing your own toy can introduce an element of familiarity into an altogether unfamiliar situation. If the idea of carrying an 8 inch dildo around the club makes you feel a little shy, you might want to pack a travel-ready toy, which are usually more discreet, or consider a small but mighty handheld toy like this Pom Vibrator by Dame or this Finger Vibrator by Dioni.
Bringing your own toys also allows you to gain more control over your pleasure experience. For example, if your intention at bondage events is to experiment with BDSM, bringing your own silicone mouth gag or nipple play accessories can help turn your fantasy into a reality. Remember: if you do use toys with different partners, it’s vital that you use an effective toy cleaner after your play. This allows you to stay safe and hygienic without using the harsh and irritating hand soap that you might find in the club bathrooms (seriously, don’t - it’s not worth it).
Finally, you might want to consider packing some comfort items to help you reset during or after the event, like a snack or some intimate body wipes. Your first time at a sex party will likely be quite tiring - the last thing you want to worry about is coming away from the event feeling drained or in discomfort. Whatever you need to reground yourself after intimacy - don’t be afraid to bring it with you.
What Sex at a Sex Club Is Really Like
Is sex at a sex club really that different from the sex you have in the comfort of your own home?
Well - yes, and no.
It certainly adds a new layer to the experience to watch and be watched while having sex. Sex parties also often offer equipment that you likely don't have access to on a daily basis, like swings, inversion tables, and X-frames.
However, at its core, sex at a party still builds on the same principles that make sex meaningful anywhere else: connection, communication, and consent. The environment might be a little unorthodox, but the fundamentals don’t change. You still need to check in with yourself and your partners, make sure everyone’s comfortable, and move at a pace that feels right.
Before attending your first sex party, you may be apprehensive about how to initiate sex with a new person, and although this might seem unnervingly simple, the answer is very straightforward: you just politely ask. Hi, my name is Hannah, I think you’re really attractive, I’d love to get to know you better. These situations often unfold a lot more organically than we anticipate, so don’t overthink it: having sex at the party is what most people are there to do! You’re all in the exact same boat.
Again, it’s important to protect the safety and well-being of yourself and others throughout the party. Erotic events are generally very safe, sex-positive, and welcoming spaces, so make sure you’re contributing to upholding this environment. Respect any ‘no phone’ policies, get tested a week or so before your visit, use protection (you can find some great options here), and keep in mind that although a little liquid courage is totally fine, you should be sober enough to feel confident in giving and receiving consent.
If I could only give one piece of advice to first-time sex party attendees, it would be this: take the pressure off. You don't need to perform, or participate, or act any certain way - play parties are a way to feel more confident, empowered, and sexy in yourself, not for anyone else. Whether it feels overwhelming or immediately like home, trust that you’re exactly where you need to be - exploring at your own pace, and in your very own way.
Hannah Honey is a British sex writer living in Toronto with clients across Canada, the US, Europe and Australia! She works with sexual pleasure retailers, ethical porn companies, sex-based podcasters, dating apps, queer charities, and sex-positive venues. Hannah’s work prioritizes inclusive sexual wellbeing and encourages readers to navigate erotic exploration in a safe, yet sexy, way.
