Queer Outercourse Toys to Explore For Pride
What is outercourse?
Outercourse most likely doesn’t involve penis in vagina/mouth/anus penetration - but is still sexual and gratifying. Outercourse and queer sex often relate to friction and other types of outer-body touch, which can look like grinding, sensual or massage-type touch, mutual masturbation, dry humping, and more.
Some of the best sex I’ve ever had didn’t involve a hard penis, and I know I’m not alone; Research consistently finds that most people with vulvas often don’t penetrate themselves for pleasure or orgasm.
One study predicted which behaviors led to a higher likelihood of reported orgasm, and found the “golden quartet” to be manual stimulation of genitals, using a sex toy, receiving oral sex, and deep kissing.
Meaning, outercourse is already a preferred way for a lot of people to have sex.
How to have outercourse
Firstly, remember that you are the architect of your sexual play. This means that with communication, honesty, and the right tools, you can design sexual interactions that feel safer and more pleasurable for you and your partners.
Secondly, think about what truly sounds fun - no matter how nervous or silly you might feel. Remember that there's no right or wrong way to have outercourse, and that your entire body is pleasure-receptive.
The first time I realized I was about to orgasm on my lover’s inner arm, I had an epiphany about what is possible. I know someone who can reliably orgasm from a series of slow, sensual spanks while she sits on her favorite vibe, and my current lover is a fan of nipple play and kissing.
A favorite example is orgasming solo while a partner reads erotica nearby, or if you’re exploring solo play, you can read erotica or listen to an audio version, leaving both your hands free.
Is outercourse just foreplay?
For many people, definitely not! It depends on what you like, and a lot of people don’t want or need penetration to feel good or enjoy sex.
You might already be having it! Do you like grinding, thighjobs, mutual masturbation, or kinky play? Do you avoid using tampons because you don’t care for any type of penetration? Do you avoid some activities as a form of contraception?
As a queer person and sex worker for two decades, I’ve noticed that other queer people and professional pleasure providers tend to be more versed in sex-play that doesn’t rely on an erect penis.
Queer sex tends to be more creative than heterosexual sex; our society tends to assume that all or most people are heterosexual, and tends to socially teach sex in a prescribed escalation of activities. The oft-cited baseball lingo is what I grew up hearing: 1st-to 4th base escalation of kissing, to hand stuff, to oral, to penetration.
This is not how sexual interest or interaction plays out organically*, when people learn that there’s no right way to have consensual sex.
In my personal opinion, queers and sex workers tend to use our hands more, we learn sex toys for our partners, and we understand friction and playfulness as more than just “foreplay”.
And while we’re talking about outercourse, did you know that some people purposely take penetration out of the equation as a way to reduce the likelihood of unplanned pregnancy and STI transmission? Definitely still get screened for STIs and talk with your partners about whether you’re having any kind of partnered contact.
Finally, it’s important to remember that orgasm is not everyone’s goal. Not everyone always experiences a felt climax or an ejaculation. There are many reasons why anorgasmia (inability to orgasm) may occur during anyone’s lifetime.
Common medications, including SSRIs or antihistamines, can make it difficult for folks to feel ‘finished’. So can previous physical or emotional trauma, injuries, stress, nerve damage, or other factors.
And a lot of people with penises will experience erectile disability* at some point in life for different reasons, which means that becoming reliant on a hard penis for a rewarding sexual life can be difficult or impossible.
Luckily, research shows that health benefits and social bonding can occur during positive sexual interactions between people, even if no orgasm or ejaculation occurs.
And remember to start small; sometimes your eyes are bigger than your orifices.
Common forms of outercourse and the best sex toys for each one
Mutual masturbation: vibrators, air suction toys, and strokers!
The Romp Wave vibrator offers a contoured shape and smoothness, and can also be used anywhere on the body you’d like.
Strokers can also be used solo or with a partner, like all other toys. I love getting my lover off manually or watching them do it themselves. Remember to use water-based lube with all of these synthetic or silicone materials.
If you’re a cisgender man who is aiming to delay your orgasms for yourself or your partners, might I suggest trying variations of friction, material, or tightness, and practice ‘edging’ yourself. This usually means getting near to orgasm, and then pausing, and doing this repeatedly to build sexual stamina. Your partner may thank you, or be interested in simultaneously using something like a bullet vibe.
Some of these are designed for internal G-spot use, but all bullet vibes can be used as outercourse toys, or are meant as such. You, too, may remember the classic corded silver bullet, a kind of ol’ faithful.
Frotting and tribbing (strokers, wands, bumpers)
Dry Humping, grinding, and thighjobs: As someone who orgasms reliably from this kind of pubic bone pressure, helloooOoo Vibepad. This is a waterproof vibrator that you can use hands-free, or you can give control of the remote to a friend.
All kinds of sensual touch with nipple clamps and more versatile toys from Cute Little Fuckers - doesn’t it feel so good to support queer-owned brands for Pride?
As someone who hates having their travel bag searched, I adore the discreet aesthetic of the Shroomie. This outer-use vibe is entirely water submersible and has fifteen settings, and is also fully rechargeable and needs no batteries.
We can’t forget our two other highly erogenous zones that nearly all of us have: nipples. Unless you’ve opted to remove them, you might have an interest in the range of BDSM and kink-specific toys.
Suction on nipples (and anywhere else erogenous, like the clitoris or penis) can increase sensitivity, and I like this dual suction device. Or perhaps someone's feeling glamorous and wants a little decorative tension with feathered nipple clamps.
If you can be loud and proud, there’s a toy for you! It felt liberating the first time I got my very own multicolored toy.
The importance of using lube for outercourse
The correct lubes for your activities will reduce irritation and STIs or bacterial infection when used instead of saliva alone*. That’s right, nature doesn’t make enough reliable lubricant, but Babeland does.
Lube can open a range of possible ways to glide or slide, and some will never get sticky, and can be used in the shower (be careful about slipping!)
Some lubes may stain your fabric, not be compatible with your body’s pH, or destroy your toy, so it’s important to remember the Rule of Silicone: Do not mix them. Silicone toys and silicone lube are not compatible, but water-based products work with all toy materials.
I use different lubes for different activities, like Naked for vaginal toy play, and PJUR Silicone for hands and butt stuff.
No matter what lubes you use, wash your toys before-and-after in warm, soapy water, or use Babeland’s toy cleaner.
How to build a queer outercourse scene
Consent note: because terms like frotting, tribbing, and thighjobs can mean different things to different people, partners should name what they want, ask what feels good, and check in as they explore.
I start by asking play partners or lap dance clients if they have any injuries, healing tattoos or piercings, or anything I shouldn’t touch. Summer is coming, and I always meet someone who forgets they has a sunburn until I’m touching them there.
Regardless of the season, I always share my off-limit zones, if I have any at that time. for example. “Please don’t touch my eyes, face, or my holes - thanks!”
I like MakeTimeForTheTalk.Com when planning to play with a new partner, or any partner!
Some people like to use written negotiation sheets for organization and accountability, which go back decades, and some may recall from SM101 by Jay Wiseman, and other books.
Be aware that there are often limited legal protections in the United States regarding consensual sexual play between adults, and try to check in your state what any relevant laws or practices may be.
I always like to keep my play simple and sober. Talk about it on different days before the playdate. Important topics are rarely a one-and-done conversion, so be open to revisiting the chat if new thoughts or questions come up for either of you.
I like to ask if there are any toys or places my partners want to focus on, and I keep it to 1-2 activities - I’d rather save things for later than rush through on someone with a checklist. This ensures more time, focus, and enjoyment for our selected arenas of play.
Why queer outercourse is so powerful, and why Pride is a time to rethink what counts as sex
People touch for so many reasons aside from pleasure: to build trust, explore their limits, and connect with each other. Having info, toys, tools, education, and resources makes it safer and more fun for everyone!
I describe my queer outercourse sex life as Innovative, authentic, creative, safer, and gratifying.
Outercourse is sex that so many of us are already having or can be! It’s not foreplay, and it’s not less-than: it’s deeply erotic, affirming, and accessible, and toy-friendly.
Elle Stanger is an AASECT Certified Sexuality Educator, adult industry professional, writer, and podcaster. Stanger works to reduce shame and to introduce information to folks seeking happier and healthier sex lives. You can find more self-help and resources in They Talk Sex Podcast, or by visiting Elle at a Portland stripclub near you. Elle lives in the PNW with her baby poodle, teenager, and a couple of lucky lovers.
