A Beginner's Guide to Impact Play: Tips, Toys, and Safety in BDSM
Are you interested in impact play but don't know where to start? Don't worry, babe, I've got you! We'll take a deep dive into an impact play definition (in BDSM), types of toys, tips and tricks, and much more. But first, let's just start at the beginning.
What is BDSM?
If you're not an experienced player in the kink community, let's take a minute to familiarize ourselves with BDSM. BDSM stands for Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, and Sadism and Masochism. At the core of it, BDSM is about consensual power exchange dynamics: one person giving up the appearance of power to someone else for the period of an activity or relationship. I say, "the appearance of'' because CONSENT is at the heart of BDSM always, which means the person who gave up control can take it back anytime they feel ready to do so.
We all experience power exchanges in various degrees all the time in our daily lives. We have a boss at work who has social power over us, but we have social power over the server bringing us drinks at happy hour. We don't get a lot of say in these social dynamics; they just ARE. So, a consensual, erotic power exchange can be exciting and allow us to take control of our experience in a way that's fun and exciting. For example, if you're always the boss at home or at work, it can feel amazing to let go of that power and let someone else take over.
Or, on the other hand, if you're always reporting to someone in your daily life, the chance to be the boss and call the shots sexually can be freeing and rewarding. Those examples are, admittedly, a little bit of a stereotype. There are a lot of different reasons folks like to be Dominant (the boss) or submissive (not the boss). Some folks like to do a bit of both (these folks are called switches).
As we move through this discussion of the impact play kink, think about the emotional, psychological, and physical experiences you'd like to have with it. Do you want to be the one calling the shots or the one who gives up control? Do you want to be the one giving or receiving the sensation? Do you want this to be part of a sexy, steamy escapade, or do you want to take sex off the table and focus on impact play?
What is impact play in BDSM?
So what is impact play in sex, ultimately? In short, it's a BDSM activity that involves using one's hand or an implement of some kind to impact the body of their partner. Often, there is an aspect of sensuality, sexuality, and intimacy within impact play. It's done by folks in various stages of undress and often to very intimate parts of the body like the breasts or booty. It involves negotiation, skill, practice, and a lot of trust.
There are several categories of impact play behavior, including spanking, flogging, caning, and paddling, each with a wide variety of toys and implements that can be used. Impact play fits under a broader umbrella of 'sensation' play because when we engage in impact play, we are giving (or receiving) various sensations: some of which are relaxing and can be described as almost massage-like, and some of which are, quite frankly, very painful sensations caused by the impact.
Types of Impact Play Toys
There is a wide range of impact play toys and tools you can explore; it all depends on the sensations you'd like to feel. To be very clear, one of you is going to be hitting the other with these toys at various speeds and intensities to cause feelings we often describe as either 'stingy' or 'thuddy.' Stingy toys give a sensation that, well, stings. The force of the impact is concentrated in a small area, and it creates a sharp biting or stinging sensation. Thuddy toys give a sensation that is more of a thud. The force of the impact is spread out, and the pain, if there is any, is more of a dull sensation. Types of toys generally include paddles, floggers, whips, canes, and your hand (spanking).
Firstly, your hand counts as a tool! An open hand (no fists, please) can be used to deliver traditional spankings and slaps, and sensations will vary based on how close the hand is to the body and how hard the spanking or slap is delivered.
Paddles
Paddles have a handle and a wider end that is used to cause impact. Larger, heavier paddles are more thuddy, while smaller, lighter paddles deliver a stingier bite.
Floggers
So, what is flogging and what does a flogger look like? Floggers have a handle and then strips of fabric, leather, braids, etc. resembling tails that dangle off the end of the handle. Flogging is a form of BDSM whipping done with these strips. If the flogger has thicker, heavier tails, it will deliver a softer, thuddier slap. This sensation often makes the receiver feel like they're being massaged by the flogger. If the flogger has thinner, tighter tails, it will deliver more of a sting.
Whips
Whips are single-tail (sometimes double-tail) implements. A BDSM whip most often delivers very biting stings and is better for more experienced people.
Canes
Canes have a handle and one long stick-like end that creates a very mean stinging experience for the receiver if used with a heavy hand.
How to use impact play tools (including your hand)
A good activity to start with is bare-butt paddling with an open-handed - also known as a spanking. Have the receiver get comfortable. They can bend over the bed/couch/etc. or over their partner's lap or lay flat out somewhere with pillows propping up their butt. Start with a good warm-up to get the booty acclimated to the activity. Here you'll take turns using spanking techniques that alternate spanking vs. slapping. Spanking is typically harder, heavier-handed hits that land in a thud.
Slapping is typically done quickly, in a way that delivers more of a sting. Slow, small slaps alternating with massage-like rubbing will increase blood flow to the area. Then, take turns delivering quick slaps contrasted with hard, dull spanks to see if the receiver prefers stinging sensations to thuddy ones. This will give you both an opportunity to explore what you do and don't like about impact play. Learning how to spank with a paddle or how to use a flogger will take some trial and error, but stick to fleshy areas.
Quick consent note: During a spanking scene (or any impact play scene), your most sensitive bits are up and exposed to your impact play partner. This can open the door for some fondling, fingering, and other sexy fun times. Is that something you want to do? Decide before you play, but always consider the opportunity to change your mind, especially if you're new to this kind of play and/or depending on the level of sexual experience you already have with your partner during impact play, meaning you may want to come up with a verbal or non-verbal signal / safe word. You may decide you want to get down and dirty, and then once you're doing the thing, it may not feel so sexy to you.
On the other hand, you may think you won't want to do the deed, and once you're in the moment, you'll feel sexy and excited about connecting with each other that way. Talk ahead of time about what you'll do when those feelings come up and how you want to handle them. What kind of sexy play is on the table, and what isn't?
Use the tools similarly to how you used your hand(s): start with slow, gentle swings and warm up to heavier, harder impact. But before you take a swing at your partner: practice, practice, practice.
Impact Play Techniques and Tips
Impact play can be hot for so many reasons, including the fact that you can incorporate that erotic power exchange into your playtime with Dom spanking or impact with a tool. One of you calls the shots (it could be the giver or the receiver) while the other bends to their whims. Being a Dominant in an impact play scene - or any scene - is about confidence and care. Traditionally, the Dominant and the giver of the impact are one and the same. You can role-play this: one of you has been very naughty and needs to be punished (the submissive), and the other is going to use hands and tools to dole out that punishment (the Dominant).
Once you've negotiated your boundaries (which we will discuss in a bit), you can have a fun time exploring this scene you're creating. As the Dominant, it's extra important to check in frequently to make sure your submissive is doing ok. Do they need to take a break, get some water, or stop all together? You're the one controlling the scene, so watch out not just for safe words (words you negotiate to mean 'Slow Down' and 'Stop') but signals that your partner may need some care and attention. If your partner freezes up or gets very silent, those can be signals for help. Stop and check in or stop, full stop.
Safety Precautions and Consent
Remember, consent is the most important part of your impact play adventure. You'll want to pre-negotiate your scene together. For example, who's the Dominant and who's the submissive? Will those roles also be the giver and receiver, respectively? What boundaries do you want to set around playtime? Are there any no-no areas of your body' Is sex on the table or off-limits? Should they strike you a maximum of 5 or 10 times before giving you a break? What tools will you play with? Once a scene and the tools you want to use have been negotiated, that's IT. Don't change things up mid-scene. If you have ideas for how you can enhance or explore further, bring those up for next time.
It's a very, very, very good idea to practice on your pillow or mattress BEFORE using the implement on a person. When engaging in impact play on a person, you want to aim for fleshy, fatty, and muscley bits. Avoid the ribcage, joints, kidneys, etc. Here's a handy map of the body that will help guide you:
Start slow and work your way up to heavier, harder impact, regardless of what tools you're using. Before you engage in an impact play scene (the BDSM term for your playtime), take turns practicing on the pillow and on each other, so you both have an idea of what the implement feels like.
It's important to note that floggers and whips can have a wraparound effect and may not always land where you intended, so start gently until you really get a good feel for your tool. It's also important to note that impact play often leaves marks on the body, so please consider and discuss how you feel about leaving marks, where marks are allowed to go, and if they can be covered up by clothing if need be.
Impact Play Aftercare
Once all is said and done, you'll want to build in time to take care of each other. This is called BDSM aftercare. The person on the receiving end of all that impact may be feeling sore and could use some Tylenol and water. (Pro tip: Don't take any kind of painkillers or alcohol before you play. It can dull your pain sensations and cause you to go past your pain limits, resulting in injury.) Maybe the giver is feeling some kind of way about having spanked someone they care about.
Feelings can be all over the map, especially when we're new to an activity. Both of you may want some ice cream and a cuddle. There's a lot of adrenaline around this kind of intense BDSM play, and after you're done you might feel a bit of a crash. This is often called 'drop.' Drop can happen to one or both parties in a scene and is often described as feeling a little bit like you have the flu. You feel tired, sluggish, maybe a little warm, and a little sad or down. Think about what kinds of things might be comforting at a moment like that, and plan for them in your aftercare.
Also, consider the importance of debriefing and discussing what you did, how you feel about it, what you liked and didn't, and whether you want to do it again. Do you think you'll want to debrief during aftercare or sometime in the days or week(s) that follow? Negotiate those things ahead of time into your scene. Trust and care for each other are key components of kink. The Dominant and submissive are making a promise, even if for just a scene, to trust and care for one another.
As you can see, there is a lot to learn about impact play. This should be enough to get you started, and some good reminders for more experienced folks. If you remember nothing else, take home these three important concepts: consent, practice first, and aftercare. Enjoy your playtime!
* The views expressed in this article are her own and do not reflect those of other entities she is associated with.
