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Customer Service: (888) 289-8423

Eyes On Me

Dear Rachel and Claire,
My husband is always looking at porn. I’m a little overweight and working very hard to look good again, and I want to get ideas on how to keep his eyes on me, not on porn. Is there anything I can do to him?

-Eyes on me

A:

Dear Eyes On Me,
Our advice is that you not take his porn habit as a rejection of you. Many (most?, all?) men like to look at dirty pictures, and to expect him not to is unrealistic, especially given how easy it is to get online. You don’t need his eyes on you all the time, just some of the time. And when he is looking at you, you want to feel good about yourself. Developing sexual self-confidence will help you both get his attention and to enjoy it.

Feeling good about your body is important. Shaping up sounds like it’s important to you so stick with it, but work on internal stuff too. The way you talk to yourself is important. Give yourself positive messages ala “I’m looking sexy today,” instead of “I’m too fat.” Wink at yourself in the mirror. Focus on aspects of yourself you feel good about- compliment yourself. Dance naked alone so you can really sink into your body without worrying what someone else is thinking. Try doing it to Diana Ross’ “I’m Coming Out”- you’ll feel like a sex goddess in no time.

Cultivate your fantasy life too. Get in touch with your inner turn-ons and you’ll bring more sizzle to the sheets. In long-term relationships the sheer excitement of being together can fade, so look for ways to bring novelty to your sex life. That could be dressing up differently, smutty talk, sex toys, new places or positions for sex, or all of the above. For more encouragement on building your self-esteem and sexual repetioire, check out the books How to Be a Great lover or The Guide to Getting it On.