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Frustrated

Dear Rachel and Claire,
Please, please help me, I have been with my boyfriend just under two and half years, and our sex life is very good, but I have never had an orgasm by his hand. He is very reluctant to touch me down below, we have talked about it and he says he can’t explain why he feels this way.

I have even tried touching myself during foreplay, and that lead to a lot of tears as he thought I didn’t think he was good enough for me!

Please help as I know an orgasm is not the be all and end all, but just once I would like one.

Yours,
Frustrated

A:

Dear Frustrated,

My heart really goes out to you- it is very tough to be in love with someone who is not good to you sexually.  I know you said you have a “very good” sex life, but I can only imagine that you mean it is “very good” for him!  I guess the intercourse you have must be satisfying, but it seems to me that a lover who won’t touch you with his hand probably is suffering from an irrational distaste for women’s genitals.  You don’t mention if he goes down on you, but my guess is not.  It’s much easier to get a new lover than to change someone, but if you want to work it out with him, here’s my advice.

  1. Explain to him that your current sex life is unacceptable to you and that you want him to be able to touch your vulva during sex.
  2. Do a little show and tell.  Wash up, trim your pubes and find a clean well-lit place to spread your legs and show him the territory.  Point out your clitoris, your vagina, and any good spots you know you liked touched.  Encourage him to ask any questions and to touch you if he wants to- tell him what feels good. The vibe should be information sharing, not making love.
  3. Masturbate for him.  Show him how you like to touch yourself.  Feel free to narrate while you’re doing this- make it hot sexy and informative.
  4. When you’re having sex with him, ask him to touch you and give him as much positive feedback as you can.
  5. Repeat #4 as often as necessary until he gets the hang of it.

    He may get upset again about not being a good lover- but the fact is he is not being a good lover.  A good lover makes an effort to please their partner.  To help the two of you on your quest for better sex, you might find a helpful book here.

    Good Luck,
    Rachel