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No Orgasm

Dear Rachel and Claire,
I'm a 28 year old woman, married to a wonderful guy for 3 years. He's the only one I've been with sexually, and he's the greatest-caring, loving, kind, romantic, and willing to try anything in bed to please me. The trouble is, I can't seem to have an orgasm, and this is very frustrating. I very much do enjoy when my husband goes down on me, it the greatest feeling, but it never leads to an orgasm. The last time I remember having one in fact is when I was a teenager, masturbating alone in my room. Now I can't even orgasm when I play with myself.  HELP!  I have no idea what’s wrong with me, or what to do.

Help! No Orgasm

A:

Dear No Orgasm,

Start where you left off- with masturbation. Once you start coming on your own again your body will remember what to do, and you can share your newfound knowledge with your man. Meanwhile keep having sex with him too. You can use the good feelings and experiences you have together to fuel your fantasy life, or just to keep the fire burning.

Give yourself the time(an hour is nice) and space (a clean sensuous bedroom) to explore.

Fantasize about whatever turns you on- no self censoring! All kinds of scenarios you might abhor in real life can be sexy and harmless to imagine. If you’re out of ideas, erotic books and videos can give you material.

Try a good strong vibrator–the Hitachi Magic Wand is the classic choice.

As you work up sexual tension, let it build up and then back off a bit- relentless pursuit of orgasm can backfire in never quite catching it. As the tension rises and falls it will gradually build up to a point of spilling over, without you having to try so hard.

When you start orgasming again, play around with different types of stimulation and positions. Try not to get into a rut with just one way of coming. (Though one is far, far better than none!)

For additional resources check out Betty Dodson’s classic book Sex For One or her video Celebrating Orgasm. The quickie guide Tickle Your Fancy might also help, and check out further tips from us in our “How To” section- see How to Have an Orgasm, and How to Use a Vibrator.

Good Luck!