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bookcoverTristan Taormino, "anal sex guru" and prolific author and pornographer is coming out with a new book on open relationships called Opening Up. It's been a long time since we've had a great book about non-monogamy (Ethical Slut, anyone?) and we're long overdue. I'm especially excited about Tristan's book because it has interviews from couples who have lived in various arrangements of open relationships. They speak about the challenges and joys of opening up their relationship.
Fiona: I think what has been successful for us is to conceptualize things differently. We don?t ?negotiate? or focus on limits or boundaries per say. That is not to say anything goes! Rather, we work to continuously create our relationship and how we relate to others.
Sound like hard work? It is! But so is every relationship. In an open relationship, you're forced to be as open and honest as everyone in any relationship should be, it's just a lot easier to let things slide when it's just the two of you.I love Fiona's quote above because her point is true - even if you do set boundaries, they change as people change. I love the idea of always checking in, looking back, thinking ahead. In my own open relationship, we do this by having check-ins every now and then, especially when one of us has someone new on the horizon. Most important is to make sure our other relationships don't get in the way of the main relationship: us.
Sam: My connection with Brooke was really intense. She and I got together first and were involved to a certain degree separately from Fiona. Then we stopped that because?our connection wasn?t okay for Fiona?s and my relationship, it wasn?t working.
Another point that this short but packed excerpt brings up is jealousy. This is a must-have discussion in any book on open relationships as it absolutely will come up.
How do you deal with negative feelings like jealousy, possessiveness, insecurity, anger, resentment, etc.?Fiona: Sometimes I just talk to a friend, change the channel of my mind, or use some other tactic to remind myself that it is no big deal and that I have a million other more important things to worry about. Like the environment or whether or not I remembered to pay my bills this month. Other times I take anger and upset and frustration to be a sign that things are not working for me, that I don?t like how I am being treated or what we have agreed to. Then, I get help by talking to other people and then talking to Sam.
I love what Fiona says here. Sometimes jealousy is a sign that something is truly wrong but other times, it's just that I'm feeling lonely or sad that day or being irrational for some other reason. The tough part is telling the difference but I appreciate that challenge.Even if you're monogamous and plan to stay that way, this book will make for interesting reading and will give you tools for your own relationship. I can't wait to read it!Tristan is also going on tour - she's a great speaker, I highly recommend seeing her if you're around.Check out Tristan's other awesome books and videos:Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women Book and DVDTristan's Expert Guide to Anal Sex, Cunnilingus and Fellatio DVDsnal Sex, Cunnilingus and Fellatio DVDs