Dear Dan: I love the wife I married two years ago, but she absolutely can't come unless she uses a vibrator on herself. She's asked me to let her use it during sex or for me to use it on her, but I've refused. It's bad enough knowing I can't compete with that thing without having to look at it.

Let's Insert My Prick

Now, stop being such a douchebag about this, LIMP, and go ask the wife to show you just how to hold the vibrator and just where to apply pressure so that you?YOU!?can start giving her orgasms during sex. See the vibrator as a tool, moron, not a threat. Because if being with you means going without orgasms during sex for the rest of her life?all because she was foolish enough to marry an insecure bag of slop who refuses to do what needs to be done to get her off?then your wife just might decide to be with someone else.

And now an important message for all straight guys everywhere: Some women need vibrators to get off. Why? Well, perhaps it has something to do with the fact that most of a woman's clitoral tissues are inside her body; the exposed part of her clitoris is just the tip, comparable to the head of your penis. Now imagine if the shaft of your penis was buried inside your body, guys. You might need the help of a vibrator to get off then, too; you might need a tool that could stimulate your shaft through layers of skin and muscle and fat. We've been over and over this since the early 1990s, fellas, and there's no excuse anymore for freaking out about your wife/girlfriend/mom needing a vibrator, OK?