by Abby Weintraub

We've said it before, and we'll say it again: sex is much, much more than just penetration. Sex can be anything you want it to be, from masturbation to oral sex to a good spanking session. But what happens if you do want to explore penetration, and it's just too painful? First, know that you're not alone — far from it. Many of us deal with painful vaginal penetration, and fear that we can't genuinely satisfy our partners (let alone ourselves) without penetration; some of us once enjoyed penetration, but no longer. No matter what your circumstance or goal, there's a way to feel better. Toys like the FeMani vibes and Silk dildos can help you build up to comfortable penetration, or the Laya Spot and Jimmyjane Form 2 provide excellent clitoral vibration. The more you can explore by yourself with these toys and some great lube, like BabeLube or BabeLube Silicone, the less pressure you'll feel to "perform" for a partner. Read on for a (non-comprehensive) list of common issues folks have with painful penetration, and how you can address them.

FeMani Vibrators  Silk Dildos BabeLube Jimmyjane Form 2Laya Spot VibratorLiv VibratorBabeLube Silicone

1. If you've never enjoyed vaginal penetration, but you want to... try building up to the feeling of having something inside you. Whether you're new to penetration or you've just never developed a taste for it, explore lubrication and a slow buildup of girth. Start slow, and explore your body with your hands; try some porn or a book of erotica to warm up. If you enjoy clitoral stimulation, try the Jimmyjane Form 2 or the Hitachi Magic Wand to get started. Then, with a generous dollop of water-based lube and the Oasis Slim vibrator, let the vibrations relax you and ease into some shallow penetration. With time, you can work your way up the larger sizes of Oasis, but don't rush it — slow and steady works best here.
2. If you're menopausal... whether it's age-related or surgical menopause, you're likely dealing with a lot of changes in your sexuality. Remember that you're in good company, and that you've still got plenty of opportunity to explore sensations and embrace your orgasmic potential! Your body's production of estrogen has dropped off, and this makes vaginal tissue less moist and and elastic over time. To maintain that elasticity and enjoy penetration, you'll need to keep the area moisturized and active — try BabeLube Silicone or Pink Lube for moisture that won't dry up during play. Using a smooth vibrator like the rechargeable silicone Liv a few times a week will help keep your vagina supple by massaging the tissue with vibration.
3. If you're recovering from radiation or chemotherapy treatments... you may have vaginal scarring, and the tissue has become more delicate. Lube is extra-important here — you want to prevent microscopic tears from dragging/force, as the tears will heal by forming new, inflexible scars. To keep this from happening, combine the smooth, firm Oasis vibrators with a generous helping of lube, and remember to reapply the lube as needed. The vibration will massage the internal scar tissue, helping you to regain elasticity and prevent further deterioration. Most importantly, remember that this is not the end of your sexual life — it's an unexpected new beginning, and you may need to relearn your sexuality a bit.
4. If you've been diagnosed with vaginismus or other pelvic floor muscle tension issues... you'll want to ease your way back into penetration, with the help of a non-vibrating dildo like the Silk dildos. These flexible silicone dildos range from small to large, so you can work your way up through the sizes with plenty of BabeLube. Take your time, and try to embrace your body's changing relationship with sex over time.
5. If you have a newly constructed vagina... some women, trans or non-trans, have newly constructed vaginas. If this describes you, your doctor has hopefully given you instructions as to how you can help your new vagina heal properly and openly; try the Oasis Vibrators and Silk Dildos to keep the path clear and pleasurable. Many of our trans women customers also enjoy BabeLube Silicone, which stays wet long after most water-based lubes have dried up.
6. If your sex drive has dropped off... or even if it's never been all that high, you might not enjoy penetration. This is totally normal, and can happen at any age, for any number of reasons (hormonal changes, medications, etc). Make sure you're getting enough sleep, drinking plenty of water, and eating your veggies (really). And talk to a friend or therapist if you suspect underlying emotional issues, or if you think you need an adjustment in your medication dosage/type. Get back in touch with your sexuality with an extended mastur-vacation in your own home, using plenty of lube and a good vibrator. Your experience of sensation may be changing; try some fun sensation play that's not explicitly sexual, like spanking, flogging, feathers, etc. Be patient with yourself, communicate openly with your partner if you have one, and let your body feel what it feels.
7. Or if you just don't like penetration... that's okay! Not everyone enjoys penetration, and it's not a requirement for a happy, healthy sex life. If you've explored penetration — or even if you haven't — and you know that it's not for you, then we applaud you for being sexually self-aware. You've still got an entire universe of sensations to explore. Try a vibrator like the Jimmyjane Form 2 for clitoral stimulation if you like, and communicate openly with your partner (if applicable) &mdash frottage (rubbing genitals against a partner's body parts), dry humping, oral sex, anal sex, or kinky play might be good alternatives to explore. In a way, you're lucky — by necessity, you'll be exploring sensations that many other people will never even discover. Have fun, and remember: there's nothing "wrong" with you just because you don't like the same things some other people like.